Thoughts

Has everybody become a Player?!

I feel, I should start by clarifying that this is NOT a bitter feministic post, targeted against men. On the contrary, I find life without men extremely boring and dull, and I greatly value having a partner to grow up and evolve with. But, since I’m a woman, who consistently writes from her own point of view, I cannot help writing about “this”, as well, from my own perspective (particularly at this specific stage of my life)…

When I myself was in the “dating pool”, I remember there was always this category of devilishly handsome, pedigreed bad boys, well brought up, who were considered to be “the eligible bachelors” and who, almost always, were Players! They could talk you into just about anything, with just a few strategic moves. Some of them straight on, no poker face – the kind of “I flirt with you and the rest of the party simultaneously – but, I’m still too good to resist” kind of attitude, and some others, who would pretend they were searching for their “soul mate”, while all they were really looking for, was how to get you in bed.

OK, I’m not oblivious as to why women are attracted to this type of men; nevertheless, what I have recently discovered is that, suddenly, the majority of men above 30 have become Players! I keep hearing stories from my single girlfriends about guys, who no matter what their looks, career status or social background, they act as if they were Sean Connery in 007! Whether they are tall or short, successful or not, interesting or boring, they all – ALL – play the field! Their motto? “Why not? There is a great supply of women out there, from their 20’s to their 40’s, to pick and choose from, eager to follow our lead, in search of The One“…

Truth be told, if you are in your 30’s and you want to find “The One”, you do have to fight off, both the “Lolitas” and the “Milfs”. This doesn’t mean, though, you have to overextend yourself and play along all sorts of games…

“But first, let me stress this: I’m not judging, I’ve been there many times! I have played and I have been played (and I have “gloriously” fallen flat down on my face).”

I know the agony of “should I call or shouldn’t I“. To which, by the way, the answer is almost always “NO you shouldn’t“! Because no matter how cute or great the guy in question is, at the end of the day, you don’t want to convince anyone to date you. And, as a great friend of mine – and a huge player, as well – once wisely told me …

You can chase and chase and you will probably land a dinner, a weekend or a few one-night-stands but, at the end of the day, no one wants to seriously date the ‘pity fuck’ “.

In an endless quest for answers, I have been contemplating the reason why so many men have become players lately… And the answer was a real slap on the face! It’s us women, who make it happen! By being so willing to play along, turn a blind eye, and be too quick to forgive and forget; we give them both the credits and the merits to get back on their white horses, leave us behind, and gallop in the sunset, in search of more princesses. It is mostly our fear and society’s Do’s and Dont’s that make us, women, believe we have a very specific time-frame. I’ve seen it happening repeatedly; women in their 30’s, giving their courters carte-blanche to do just about anything, terrified at the idea of being alone, missing a certain society – imposed – time- limit for a milestone, or even setting the infamous biological clock against them. Consequently, and in consistence with the above, men religiously following society’s stereotypes, view women at their 30’s as damsels in distress, wishing to get married and have babies ASAP.

“I do wonder though, since when has growing up, moving forward and deciding you are ready to have a family and evolve further, become a sign of despair?”

And to be more specific, even though “Manopause” might not exist, what exactly is the point of becoming a father and look like a grandfather ?!

Yes, a gal in her 30’s can face some pretty rough prejudice. But I really don’t see what makes 30’s such a disadvantage; I for one, find it a huge asset. When I look at my girlfriends, I see women who are now more beautiful than ever, in control of their feelings and lives, I see them being sexually uninhibited (they have explored and come to terms with their bodies by now), I feel they have gained wisdom from their past and, most of them, have become successful career-wise and economically independent. So, why should they run after someone?

I’m not one to support the notion that being alone is fab. Personally, I have always enjoyed company and partnership more and thus, I have been in long-term relationships over the past years. Nor that we shouldn’t be concerned about having children while we are still able and healthy to do so. Neither am I suggesting that the right strategy is “playing hard to get”, as this can result in catastrophic obsessions…

“And YES, the field is greater and competition is harder, but this doesn’t make us any less great.”

A woman’s allure and charm lies in the very fact that we are feminine. We can be fragile, yet dynamic, witty and sexy, and so entertaining. We can also be loving wives, dedicated mothers, loyal daughters and incredible friends. And these assets should not be disregarded!

“In spite of everything, what I have come to understand is that, by the time we are in our 30’s, we have learned the ropes and are able to detect the warning signs.”

So, the smartest thing to do is to walk away, when we realize we are heading for a heartbreak. Maybe, we should put a stop to all silly excuses, as now, we know better than that. If the flirt has no flow or continuity, if he is confused (the usual “It’s Not You, it’s Me – speech), troubled, hurt, emotionally unavailable, or even if he is going through a career crisis, we should just let him be. Let IT be. Otherwise, chances are we will go through all of his mood swings, only to find him with a new “arm candy”, a few months down the line…

The Player, The Casanova, The Don Juan, The Prince (with or without the white horse) will always exist; we cannot change these characters and attitudes, but we can change OUR approach to them and set OUR boundaries.

“For better or worse, there are no exact, set rules in the quest for love.”

There is, however, this reality: At the end of the day, we have to truly cherish ourselves if we want to be loved and cherished.

 

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